so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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