why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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