I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The uberlube is also flammable
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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