i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
