the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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