Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
