nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
