Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am midnight drunk by noon
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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