guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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