the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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