dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
