How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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