everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
