i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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