shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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