New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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