after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
