My liver just broke up with me...
someone owes me an orgasm
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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