i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
