I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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