Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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