your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
