I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
