so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
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it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.