thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
