If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
