Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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