I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
