You can't motorboat a personality
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
