My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
