you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
