I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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