Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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