Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
