Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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