my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
