why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
