Someone shit on the floor
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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