suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
