When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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