how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
