this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
