and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
should my penis look like a turkey
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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