I got chris browned last night
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
