is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
