I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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