The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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