My room smells like vodka and shame
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
