you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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