some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
3pm strippers are depressing
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
