when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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