mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
