So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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