Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
