sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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