I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
